Hussain M Elius

Illustration by E.R. Ronny

Let’s get to the point; we don’t have enough time for silly introductions. I am going to show you how to survive, and if you can’t fight off dumb little zombies, you don’t deserve to survive at all! This is war, comrades, and I expect you to behave like soldiers!

First things first: you hear about people biting each other, you do NOT wait. You wait, you die. It’ll be risky with all the zombies running around and no one having a clue what’s going on (except you, of course), but it’s the best chance you have to gather resources before humans are overrun– that includes banding together in a small community. You wait more than three days, you deserve to die. Hell, I’ll be surprised if you can wait three days. Zombies are hungry, can smell you, and break doors.

But I am going to be realistic. This is Day 2 and you FINALLY decided to put Zombie Apocalypse Plan in action. I am assuming you know where to get weapons. You don’t need a fancy one – we are not dealing with robots or armoured aliens. They have human bodies with toned down human vulnerabilities. You need to shoot a lot, and be accurate enough to blow their brains off. That’s the only sure fire way to kill zombies, regardless of what Zombieland tells you. I prefer submachine guns with at least .357 hollowpoints. Anything less than .305 will kill, but lacks stopping power. Unfortunately, they are hard to come across so you will have to settle for Uzis and AK-47s. Handguns with .22 calibers or less won’t stop a zombie unless it’s a headshot. You’ll also need a melee weapon: Katanas will be over your head, so you’ll have to make do with a machete.

It astounds me that people in the movies don’t wear some kind of armour during an invasion, seeing as how infections spread through bites. Get a lightweight Kevlar and/or a padded leather jacket as soon as possible, as well as a backpack to carry enough food in the form of protein bars (anything else will just slow you down) and water for a week. Antibiotics and painkillers are a must, as is some sort of ADD medication to help you keep yourself concentrated.

It is absolutely imperative to group together and fortify a building. Zombies tend to do what they were doing while they were alive, so crowded areas like a school or a mall is a big no-no. An apartment building will work great, and a warehouse with very few entrances will be even better. Surround yourself with cameras, booby-traps, flashlights, and don’t forget to keep guard! It’s a warzone outside! And get ammunitions. Lots and lots of ammunitions.

Zombies aren’t smart. They’ll probably die of starvation sooner rather than later. They never seem to get around the idea of refrigerators. So my strategy is to wait them out. But if you are going to travel anyway, bikes are fast and preferable if you are alone (there won’t be any electricity, so you need and can siphon off fuel faster), but cars are safer. Travel in groups of twos to the least, and definitely not with any one who can’t use a gun.

In a worst case scenario where you are the only one left, you should move north. I really don’t think zombies can survive long in the cold, and snow will slow them down. There should be enough canned food in Alaska, if not, you can always hunt. Always keep a line of communication open. It’ll be likely that some army base somewhere or a nuclear submarine have survived as well. And when you all group together, it will be time to form an army to wage war! It will be time will come to take back what’s rightfully yours! It will be glorious!

The Other Side by Emil

Hello, hello and hello, my zombie minions. I am your all-powerful Undead Overlord. Welcome to the new age world. As you most assuredly must have realised by now, ALL of you are zombies. No, don’t look so yellow. Or, I guess that’s not your fault. It’s not important how it happened, or why, or when. I doubt you could process such delicate information with your rotting brains. In fact, it’s taking a toll on me just to maintain this ITF (Intelligent Telepathic Field). Anyway, the only thing that matters is that we are all zombies and the only thing that can satiate our hunger is the salty, and strangely sweet, flesh of the common human being.

Yes, you are dead. Yes, you are impervious to pain. Unfortunately, you are not invincible, nor are you immortal. And if you thought runny noses were annoying, wait till you get bouts of runny skin and runny limbs. The less you have to eat, the more of that it will happen. So, it’s vital that you find sustenance as often as you can. The more you get, the stronger you will be. Who knows, someday your brain might even be as developed as mine. Well, actually. Never mind.

There are some things that you have to keep in mind. Some rules of thumb that you should follow.

Pack life: You better start getting used to pack life, and working as a team. Never, ever fight among yourself. Firstly, flesh of your kind is poison, so don’t bother trying to go for the easy way to survival. Hunt in groups. In very, very large groups. Go alone, and you will most assuredly re-die. Go with a buddy or two, you will re-die. So when I say hunt in large groups, I mean REALLY large. Surround your target (singular, preferably. More targets = more guns in your faces), and share the meal like the good little deadbeats that you are.

Choose your location: Be wise. Be very, very wise when you’re choosing your targets. That should go hand-in-hand with choosing the location of the kill. You can afford to be picky if your targets are the crippled and the bedridden, but otherwise, you need to be careful. Closed spaces will provide you with the possibility of cornering your target into a dead-end. But the advantage of your massive numbers will mean nothing when you’re running through corridors and hallways. Any half-brained dolt would be able to pick you off one by one with a Smith & Wesson 500. Open spaces, like roads and what not, will favour numbers better, but be careful of targets wielding assault rifles or any burst fire guns.

Accessories: All of you have numerous accessories at your disposal. When besieged by groups of zombie hunters, use distracting tactics to split the team apart, and pick them out one by one. God knows how much of these instructions you lot will be able to retain, but I can hope for the best. Remember, getting shot does NOT stop you. Nothing stops you short of having your brains blown out. You never tire, you never sleep, and you never stop. Lost a hand, make a human lend you one. One of your legs ran away? Crawl to your prey. You are unstoppable forces of unnature, and THEY are just flesh and blood, ripe for your picking.

The Magnum: Yes. You heard that right. They WILL be carrying this. If you come across anyone armed with this. Either take ‘em out quick, or run and pray for your unlives. We’re lucky the .500 never became very popular. Being shot by that is like being hit by a magnet-train. Heck, even being in the near vicinity of it being fired runs the risk of your brain turning to jelly and oozing out. Find and destroy these weapons/ammunitions of mass destruction as much as you can. And don’t make the mistake of underestimating its little brother- the .44- either.

Forget the crappy zombie movies you’ve seen where those dead things are sluggish and dumb. They don’t know everything about us, and we don’t know everything about them. Avoid getting shot, if possible. And remember, that infection is not your first priority. Kill, eat, and THEN infect failing the first two. You are as fast as a human being. You may be falling apart, but you still have legs, and hands, and a body. USE it! Go for the diaphragm, the hamstring, aim for the groin, the eyes, carpe jugulum! They are few, you are many. They have everything to lose, you don’t. The world is your lawn. Go. Carry on, my undead sons. Bring me the world.

Published in Rising Star, The Daily Star, 13 April, 2010 in collaboration with Shahriar Shamim Emil